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06 January 2007 @ 11:53 am
Title: Another Empty Life
Pairings: Mimi/Roger, Maureen/Joanne
Rating: Fic: PG; Wank: R
Quote: "After all lover boy, it's not every day I have a song written about me. We may be dying, but you will always have that golden voice of yours"

No Phantom or Rent They wish they weren't in this fic

Another Empty Life I don't know which is less original, the hackneyed POTO song titled fics or the hackneyed RENT song titled fics

By: The Phanatics


One song, Glory, one song, before I go, glory, one song to leave behind… How many more RENT fics are going to start like this? Roger is NOT obsessed with this song. It's ONE SONG in the entire show! as the song went through Roger Davis’s head, it made him think of the year before as opposed to what? next year?. Sure he had Collins, Maureen Mark, Joanne, and Mimi and the rest of the cast and crew from the RENT movie, the love of his life beside him thank you captain Obvious. But let's not forget, before Mimi there was April the other love of his life, but it didn’t change the fact that he was dying again, thank you to The Phanatics for pointing that out to us. It was four in the morning when he tried to fall back asleep I didn't realize he was sleeping to begin with, did any of you?, but couldn’t. So he got up to make some coffee Whenever I can't fall asleep, I always try and pump more Caffeine into my bloodstream. “I smell this author doesn't know how to properly create paragraphs coffee,” said a sleepy Mimi, who woke up from the clanks of the hot plate wait, what? How would a hotplate clank? that they were given to from Mark’s mother. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

“It’s nothing I'm just wondering how much longer till we meet Erik and then we all have a massive orgy with the Masterful Virgin himself,”

“Roger, I know that its hard living life with the virus and stuff…And wanting to sex Erik but..., ”

“It’s not about AIDS, Mimi; it’s about how my life is empty until I learn how to properly puncuate a sentence by using periods instead of commas to end my thoughts,”

“I feel that way too even though in both the musical and the movie I seemed to feel anything but. But you know that there’s no day but today instead of, you know, no day like tomorrow or yesterday,”

“I can’t live my life like this if I can't speak in actual sentences and use grammar, how will I ever write my one great song that Erik will want to sing?, first Angel dies and now there’s the fear that you or Collins will be next in line not me of course, because I probably have to sex Erik and…” he never finished because he fell to pieces Jigsaw!Roger!. Just memories like that Memories like what? reminded him of his late lover, April, whose life was taken by the virus two years ago.No I believe she killed herself. Doesn't this author remember: "Close on Roger. His girlfriend April left him a note saying We have AIDS before slitting her wrists in the bathroom.' Why must these authors rape ALL of my fandoms?! He cried and took a swig of his beer even though he was drinking coffee like two seconds ago. Where did the beer come from?. Mimi looked into his eyes and sang, Your eyes, as we said our good byes, can’t get them out of my mind, and I find I can’t hide from your eyes. The ones that took me by surprise…Okay, in RENT fandom this is just as pathetic as when these badfic authors take MOTN and TOM and PONR and AIAOY out of context. It's just wrong!!!!

“You still remember my song?”

“After all lover boy, it's not every day I have a song written about me. We may be dying, but you will always have that golden voice of yours even though it might get all raspy and weak towards the end. Oh and what does his voice have to do with anything? Wait, I bet Erik takes him under his wing!,”

She then kissed him passionately instead of just kissing him, but it was then interrupted by a throat clearing sound A throat clearing sound. That's a new one on me!. “Get a room,” said a very high Collins I had to read that twice before I realized the author meant Collins was stoned as Mark, who was up and dressed for work at Buzz Line Grammar just died a little on the inside, tried to keep himself from laughing.Why? Them kissing is common. No one in the musical or movie ever seemed to mind. Maureen wait, WTF are all these people doing in the loft?! then said, “It’s five thirty in the morning and you’re making coffee props for the most pointless bit of dialogue ever written,” she then pecked her lover, Joanne, on the cheek.Okay, does no one believe in really establishing characterization? Can't you show us that they're lovers?! Wait, sorry, this is badfic.

“Does it have lots of caffeine? I know it's regular coffee and all but I'm still curious” asked Joanne as she held her head; for she needed to sober up from the night before and had a dreadful hang over so wait, she's still drunk from the night before? She didn't sleep off the drunkeness? I can understand the hangover but God, how much did they drink? This must be written by a thirteen year old who knows NOTHING about drinking what-so-ever. “There’s plenty for all,” said Roger. Even though no one asked him

Maureen was digging for cereal with a shovel and pick axe and looked at the box of Rice Krispies with disgust. “Mark, do you have anything else beside five year old Rice Krispies?” I don't know about you, but that's pretty gross. I'm sure you can use those things for some kind of science experiment or something.

“No,” Maureen was just fed up with this life of a Bohemian Fifty points to anyone who can figure out who the hell is speaking. Ever since Benny, their former friend, had kicked her and Joanne on the streets, they weren’t able to handle life like this even though they were with friends.Yay for random exposition that really has no relevance to the story. And since when does Benny have a land monopoly? Last time I checked, he just married the woman who owned the apartment building. I didn't think the Grays were rich enough to buy ALL OF NEW YORK CITY! She then got dressed so wait, she was naked this entire time? Can someone say awkward? along with Mimi and Joanne they all helped each other get dressed? WTF? Are they naked too?! and said, to the dressed boys wait, what?! Can anyone figure out what the hell is going on? Why is there a big deal about who is naked and who isn't? Is it because Erik will sex them all?, which was unusual for them to be dressed at six,again with the fucking clothes! Okay we get it. Some people are standing around naked and others are dressed. I really don't see the point of this. “We’re going to the store,Totally random” said Mimi as she kissed Roger. That must be quite difficult, talking and making out at the same time. I don't know about you guys, but when I was hooking up with my ex-boyfriend, I never remember talking while kissing. They opened the door but saw anything but the hallway.Dun dun dun! Attention all badfic wankers, you are all invited to attend Grammar's funeral.

“What the hell is this?” asked Joanne. Why am I in badfic? The boys rushed to the door to see what was going on as Collins could only say, “Damn, can anyone else say run-on? I never knew I could do all these actions at once!” Where the hallway used to be, it was some what of a batcave that had candles all about and such. Welcome all to 2004 movie land Mark then said, “I think we’re not in New York anymore and I think I speak really oddly,”

A/N: Sorry if its short, we promise longer chapters! Please, speare us the misery and pain

Here's chapter one of this hideous thing

No Phantom or Rent (Tried to kidnap all eight bohemians, but they got away! And it was the same with Erik and the kidnapping of him and Christine.These phanbrats are really insane) This Chapter is dedicated to the anonymous reviewers, OnTheLinefeline, and zylaxidia. Thank you for the reviews, we appreciate it! Why would you actually review this? Are you insane?

Chapter 1

“You think?” asked Mimi with shock as she looked at the darkness of the room that they were in Hello Redundency Department. If she's looking around the room I would think she'd be IN it. She held on to Roger as tight as she could stopping his circulation and causing him to die. The rest of the OOC Bohemians were so distraught they drowned themselves in the underground lake and left Leroux!Erik alone. “Either Benny’s playing another trick on us because I'm sure Benny could afford and have the desire to really fuck with your minds, or there was something in the coffee,” said Collins puffing on his cigarette joint. Collins smokes joints! and taking out a small bottle flask of whiskey and pouring it into his mug of coffee Wait what? Aren't they in another room? Do they all take their coffee mugs with them? WTF?. “I’m gonna need some of that,” said Roger grabbing the bottle flask and taking a swig. The room was dark, smelled like a sewer really? Let's see, they are in the fifth cellar of the Paris Opera House. I hardly think it would smell lemony fresh, and well…had very little light coming from the candles that were all about even though, in reality they weren't. Oh wait, it's 2004 movie land Maureen walked to the organ which organ? ;-) that was randomly there inside a New York City industrial loft and pressed a key. “I think some one lives here,” she said. Thank you Captain Obvious. I didn't realize that.

“Who in their right mind would live in a sewer?” said Joanne as if she was defending one of her clients. Read that sentence again and I dare you not to laugh. Go on, try it

“A fugitive,” spoke Bobo who appeared from no where.He thought it was bad enough having phanbrats break into Erik's home but having the RENT cast there was just too much

“That was a rhetorical question, Maureen.” Bobo was now answering for everyone.

“Well, it could be possible.” And it is the case. They're in the home of a murderer!

“Really, since I have yet to see anyone here and have yet to speak in a coherent sentence…”

“Oh c’mon, Pookie, just try to think outside the box,” Welcome to more random and pointless dialogue. That's it folks! Let's play a drinking game. Everytime you see random and pointless dialogue I want you to drink a shot. Chances are you'll be pretty damned drunk by the end of this chapter.

“For all we know, we could’ve been abducted!” *Takes two shots* Two for just stupid dialogue

There was then a voice behind Joanne that was cold, dark, and deadly How is a voice deadly? What is this, Erik has a ninja voice? Ninja voice Erik! That just begs for a manip!, “Who are you?” She since there are like three girls, I think it would be a good idea to specify who was doing the action. Since this author knows NOTHING about paragraphing, we can't assume anything turned around to see a tall man dressed in black, with the exception of his blinding white mask on the left of his face Hello G!Erik well hello G!Erik. It's so nice to have you back where you belong! You're lookin' swell G!Erik, I can tell G!Erik, you're still glowin' you're still crowin' you're still, going strong. /random Hello Dolly moment. “I said ‘who are you’?” he demanded."Let me know so I can sex you! With no though what so ever, Maureen and Joanne screamed their heads off Heads of Joanne and Maureen: "Yay! We're free from the bodies of these OOC characters! We're free we're free! Thank God! and ran to the others who were dumbstruck to see the infamous Phantom of the Opera.AKA Gerry “Well…” said the Phantom who shall remain nameless since the author obviously doesn't know his name with his patience growing thinner by the minute.Since his patience grew so thin, Leroux!Erik punjabbed and killed all of the Bohemians, thus putting them out of their misery of being so horribly written Collins then took all the strength he had in him and began smexing Erik said, “I’m Tom Collins, these are my friends, Mimi Marquez, Maureen Johnson, Roger Davis, Mark Cohen, and Joanne Jefferson.”

“Why are you here?” Awwww, our widdle Ewick has been taking attending charm school

“Believe me, boy, we don’t like this as much as you do, so we’ll be on our way…” WTF?! What does that sentence mean?

“You will stay here,” Erik said angrily. "Since Christine is with Raoul, I am extremely lonely and am in need of some sexual gratification. Someone must pleasure me at once! You!" He looked at Maureen and Mimi, mentally attempting to figure out who would be better at playing his organ. He suddenly pointed to Mimi. "You're barely dressed. Come here and play me!"

Mimi, who didn’t like this guy from the start, then “Let us go, or we’ll call the cops!” *Takes three shots* this was both stupid and pointless

“What are you talking about child?" he asked with frustration. He was getting sick of Mimi just fingering his instrument. He wanted her to really get down and play it!

“You know- the police.” *Takes a shot*

“Do you not know who I am?” I am the Phantomeeth of the Operaeeth!

“Of course we do, you’re the Phantom of the Opera!” said Mark. Okay wow. Let's regroup here shall we? These guys from RENT are in their loft appartment in New York City and suddenly they're in Paris, France.. They are all fluent in French, are fine with the whole overdone time travel plot and immediately decide that the guy in front of them is The Phantom of the Opera. *Takes about twenty shots* Sorry but this fic is really bad

“Correct, and then you must know that I always get my way or you pay the price of disobeying Erik. The price is a severe spanking

“Who’s Erik?” Bobo looked over Erik's shoulder and sighed. Everyone would know who Erik was if he'd only be written in character.

“Erik is me,” he said with a grim simile. Erik is in such a good mood he's smiling He grabbed Mimi’s arm because she wasn't hitting the right notes on his organ and she started to scream when Roger said, “Get off of her!” Even though he was never on her. Is Roger foreshadowing something? He then punched Erik who, after being in Persia and working for the Shah, dodged the punch and punjabbed Roger, which caused the mask on his face to fall and exposed his disfigurement. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Read that without laughing! That has to be the WORST unmasking/fight scene I ever read. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Roger just punched Erik, Erik didn't fight back and the mask just falls to the floor. Whoops! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I dare you guys not to laugh while reading that They looked with a mix of horror, shock, and pity and none of them fainted or anything because he looks like a living corpse and none of them died because they saw Erik's face. He just allowed them to stand there staring at him like was on display. for his face looked as if he was burned as a child or rather spent too much time in the tanning booth; I cry for my semicolons it was red and yellow and green and brown /Joseph moment pussy, red, sort of swollen all the symptoms of an infected sunburn, and completely distorted but we're not sure how. In fact, neither is the author since she's going on GErik!. “Damn you! Damn you!” he cried with anger as he pushed Roger to the ground with all his strength.He must really be working on his anger management issues. He didn't kill Roger or attempt to cover his face. He just pushed him to the ground. Interesting “You will die at the hands of Erik for this!” Why does he continually refer to himself in the thrid person? That gets a bit annoying and is just odd screeched Erik because we didn't know that he was speaking as he grabbed his Punjab Lasso which Bobo had just given him. Maureen then looked at him with pity and said to him, “Do you think we care about your face?” That's so Maureen it's scary. Not! He looked at her with awe because Erik is so easy to calm down. Gee Erik, those anger management classes are really working for you as she said, “We’re just surprised that you had a disfigurement bad sunburn living all the way down here, we weren’t being harsh or anything even though we didn't even react to your face because hell, we've all seen sunburn,” Erik said, “Why are you here? Kill me now before my characterization gets any worse

“We really don’t know why, but we were just heading out to the store to get a few things and then the next thing you know, we’re here and not in New York City anymore,” said some random person

“So you are saying that you just opened a door and you just dropped in here?” Bobo sighed: "Erik, I told you not to fuck around with that time machine. But you didn't listen did you? You just wanted to try and get Christine back. Now look what you've done. You've brought these five people into your home. Next time you listen to your imaginary friend."

“Yes, but right now, we just want to know where we are,” If they knew he was the Phantom of the Opera, reason says they'd know where they hell they were.

“You are under the Paris Opera House,”

“Paris? Under the Opera House; how far down we talking here when you say, ‘under’?” Asked another random stranger. After all, Erik's quite the social host.

“I haven’t the slightest idea? But didn't he build his lair and the opera house? Wouldn't he know he's five floors down? Class this is a prime example of a badfic writer who is too lazy to look up this fact in google!.”

“Do you mind taking us up to the surface? We're not really into this whole down below thing. We live in a loft appartment you see?”

“In what you’re wearing, you’ll be spotted,” because Erik is now a fashion designer. It's QueerEyeErik!

Joanne wasn’t as kind as Maureen when it came to sweet talking your ways to things WTF? If I were really drinking, I'd be so trashed by now it'd be sad, so she just got to the point and said, “What year is it?” Finally, a normal question

“1870,” *cries*

Joanne became pale in the face and fainted for no reason. Mimi looked at Roger and then said, “Babe, can I have that bottle?” Huh? Oh yeah the flask that belongs to Collins He handed the bottle over to her, and Mimi took a swig of the whiskey. Mark took his camera which was not mentioned previously out and said, to the rolling film, “We’re screwed, very screwed;” Erik looked at the machine and asked, “What is that contraption?”

“It’s a video camera; it takes pictures of events that are going on and moving,” *sighs* I hate badfic writers

Mark spent probably about an hour talking about his documentary back in the city and their time period because I'm sure Erik wants to hear all about Today 4 U: Proof Positive. “What year are you from?” asked Erik with awe of the camera. I swear Erik is doing more things with awe in this fic...


“Mon Diou DIEU DIEU! Zut alors! Un auteur est tres stupide, 1991?”

“That’s right, which can explain why we are wearing strange clothes,” said someone else

“Id best I guess the author's attempting to sound Victorian *headdesk* ask my friend because Erik is such a social butterfly if I can get you some clothes, I don’t think that anyone will accept the clothing…” I love how he is suddenly so warm and fuzzy towards the RENT kids He didn’t finish because he saw Maureen and Joanne kissing and was like WTF?! Come on, I know we have inverts and all, but they're not all public about it!. “Girls, get a room,” said Collins as he laughed on his cigarette joint!!! Oh and I love the fact that they find out they're in another freakin' era and Maureen and Joanne randomly feel like making out.. “That is peculiar,” said Erik for he was surprised. Really? Ya think? “Maybe we should explain more about our time,” said Roger. What's scary is the fact that Roger is the only one in this fic that is demonstrating having any kind of common sense

“Right,” said Mark and Collins.

A/N: We hope you enjoyed this Chapter trust me, we didn't. Please be nice on the reviews! ;) Wink, Wink! *cringes*

What's sad is there are actually more of this fic.
Current Mood: amusedamused
Krystal: Joanneozdustdancer on January 6th, 2007 07:53 pm (UTC)
i could have peed my pants
i loved your comments..they made me laugh the most lol
mysterylover17mysterylover17 on January 6th, 2007 08:20 pm (UTC)
Thanks...I was afraid that my comments were too snarky. I'm new to this community. I'm from http://community.livejournal.com/phanwank where the snarker the better. So thanks!